I've been struggling this year. Struggling to find the joy in competing which makes me question "is it worth it?" It's taken me literally an entire year to experiment with enough words to define my thoughts and feelings. I've told my husband and a handful of friends/family that I'm going to take a year off and it feels big. Showing been my primary focus for over 10 years- since I got a nice horse and became financially stable enough to really get after it. I've made up my mind, but it's complicated too.
I knew from the time that I was a young teenager that I didn't want to be a professional horse trainer (or a veterinarian for that matter). I knew that I wanted my career and hobby to be separate. Plus, my mother was very insistent about getting a job with benefits for which I am thankful. I always wanted the option to opt out of horses and I can! No one is forcing me to show from the middle of Montana. I am the one writing the checks, creating the conditioning plan, fueling up the truck and driving myself to the horse show. So, why is it so hard to step away?
Horse shows are, at their most simple form, dramatic roller coasters of emotion. There are severe highs and severe lows hyper concentrated into one weekend- the positives and negatives being just a few minutes from each other. Let's see if I can pull them apart for you.
Positives of Showing
Goal Setting: I am a goal setting junky, and horse shows are a junkie's medium. It's a date with a set number and quality of tasks that get progressively more difficult as you go up the levels. So, it's by definition the perfect goal, and setting them is an incredibly strong motivator to get out there and ride when I don't feel like it. There's always something in the way; too hot, too cold, too tired, too many emails or too many other responsibilities. However, when you set a horse show as a goal, you prioritize riding and do it anyway. Along with this, at least for me, the quality of my rides is better with horse shows too, because I'm seeking out high quality help.
Positive Emotions: There are many positive emotions that accompany an average horse show; pride in your horse, status amongst your peers, the rush of adrenaline as you cross the finish line. You actually get so addicted to these emotions that you start planning your next horse show as you drive away from your last, no matter the ribbon results.
Community: The horse show positive that I've really been holding onto this year has been the feeling of belonging in a community. There's an incredible bond that forms between survivors of traumatic events, and let's face it, horse shows are always a little traumatic. But, you find camaraderie in your suffering. Maybe your dressage score was the worst you've ever received. Well, there's a friend who's had worse. Maybe your dynamite cross country horse got confused by a new question and had a refusal. Well, someone else's horse did too. And, we bond over the poop-stains, and irrational dress code, and beers afterward. It's glorious.
Negatives of Showing
Cost: Horse shows are soooo, so, so much money! It's not just the every increasing entry and stabling fees, but the cost of fuel and truck maintenance, the added cost of drilled and tapped shoes, optimal performance feed and supplements, constant lessons with capable trainers. When I told a group of friends that I wasn't going to be showing for a year, the first and only question was "what are you going to do with all that extra money"!
Time: I don't need to explain this to horse people. You are acutely aware of how much time horses take even if you don't show, but with horse shows we can layer on extra 5 days away from home every couple weeks.
Negative Emotions: If I'm being totally honest, it's the negative emotions that I've really been struggling with lately. Nervousness, frustration, and disappointment have permeated by psyche at unhealthy levels. My primary emotion seems to be exhaustion anymore at these events. I'm not sure if it's my brain that has changed, my expectations, or my results? I just turned 40. Am I slowing down and less capable of the mental and physical challenge? I look around at the riders and friends parked next to me, and I see them rolling with the roller coaster so much better than me. I realize that I'm not doing anything wrong and that these feelings are normal, but they feel more overwhelming that before. They overpower the good stuff.
*If you zoom into these photos, you can see the roller coaster of emotions in real time!
SUMMARY
We all have a complex web of sticky lines that determine if we show or don't show. I've made up my mind for now, but it can change too. I have a great, sound, capable horse in her youth, so I've got options. Part of me knows that I need to take advantage of my resources while I have them, but the other part of my says I have time. In California this winter, I met a 70+ year old women competing at the upper levels of eventing and finishing top 10! She's my new role model. I can also take the next year to fill in some of my horse's training holes. It's always at the preliminary level of eventing when your training deficits really start to come out and kick you in the butt! Either way, it's going to be a little experiment. Who am I without horse shows? I'll update you this time next year.
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